My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
