I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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