You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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