You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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