I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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