Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My bed smells like the plague
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