Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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