Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
