I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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