Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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