It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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