The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
