Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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