I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
