Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
