i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
