Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize