i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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