PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
