Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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