hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
