Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
