Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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