the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
