I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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