Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
