By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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