Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize