Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
