please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
