Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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