i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
