Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
