I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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