Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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