Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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