I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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