I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
