My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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