Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
