planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The adults are the big ones right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
