watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
