I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
