it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
