The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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