Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
