Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
