Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
