I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
