omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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