i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
