Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The uberlube is also flammable
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
