I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
