The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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