FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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