By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize