I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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