Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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