textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
