Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
