tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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