I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
