No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just puked most of my soul out..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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