It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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